feeling like an idiot...

The last few days I've been feeling like a bit of an idiot. I'm making basic, dopey errors; I'm procrastinating on the most simple requests. They should be easy to complete but I'm drawing them out and making mountains out of the tiniest mole hills.

I've cocked up communication between my new brother in law and my sister about a possible fencing job. In order to cover my arse I've kind of lied to my sister. Its too long and boring a story to go into, but suffice to say I haven't really lied to her - the info she got is correct - but I've embellished the circumstances a bit.

Last night at work I made the kind of stupid, unnecessary mistake that I just don't make. Not a slip of the pen or anything. I utilised a function on the system that I knew nothing about and cocked things up royally.

To make matters worse, C has a new job. Well, of course thats good news in itself, but you see we've just gone back to IVF. So while I'm sitting here wasting time, my darling wife, who is about to undergo a painful drug regime, invasive tests and finally an operation in hospital is actually working longer hours and more physically demanding work than me.

I'm feeling lazy, stupid and very sorry for myself at the moment.

This is going to sound like changing the subject, but possibly its all tied in together. I don't know if its the root of the anxiety or not, but I've always been scared shitless of not being able to afford to support my family. Here we go again with the IVF and who knows, if it works this time we might be parents by November. Then where will we be?

My income alone is unlikely to be enough. Sure, there are tax benefits and so on, but still what if we can't afford stuff. Is C is going to go back to her backbreaking physical work while I cruise through in my cushy little 40 hour a week, entry level, somewhat poorly paying job?

I'm scared out of my mind.

The thing is, there is no need to be. I'm not without prospects. Together we have a broad range of skills and a couple of really good ideas, but getting off my arse and making them happen is proving rather problematic and I wish I knew why.

By the way, I'm not unaware of the irony of one in an essentially good place being so down on himself. It'll pass!

Anyway, I'm off to contemplate my navel some more.