life, etc...

Blogging has taken a back seat lately. There's been rather a bit going on. Firstly, for those following our infertility and recent pregnancy issues, all is going well. The ultrasound at seven weeks was good and so far all is well. Full post and pics to follow.

In other news, C's father is dying. He had been showing signs of vagueness and loss of motor function since about christmas. They thought maybe the drugs he was on for various things were out of balance so they went to the doc. He recommended going for some tests and sure enough, a couple of tumours on the brain showed up. They've biopsied it and the prognosis is not great.

It goes without saying, my wife is not a happy chappy. The bitter-sweet irnoy of these two things coming at once is hard enough. On top of that, there is some tension amongst her family about the best care for their father. There are a total of seven kids and there've always been some underlying tensions. It also brings back feelings for her of being seen as a kid. She's married now, a kid on the way, but she can't get past the idea that she's being marginalised as "the baby".

We'll see how it all pans out, I guess.

+

We got our blood test results and its positive. We're pregnant. This is very good news :) C has put it more succinctly than I! BFP, for the unitiated, stands for Big Fat Positive (and is the opposite of the evil BFN monster :)

I'm trying to temper it a little because we have been here before. But, from what C tells me, the results are stronger this time. I've got a call in with the IVF nurse to get it first hand, just to make sure she hasn't coloured the news with her excitement :) The last time it was me who got the call and, I swear, it was so hard not to switch off after the nurse said the magic words. I just want to make sure its all covered.

But, that said, the last thing I want to do is panic her. We're very happy at the moment,as you might imagine, and I don't want to spoil it.

Anyway, we've got another blood test next Wednesday, as well as a scan and stuff a couple of weeks after that. So far, so good!

another one down...

Yesterday we cleared another hurdle in our IVF marathon.* Still a couple to go, but we're getting there.

* Actually, this probably isn't quite right. Its certainly been a marathon since we first started two and a half years ago, but this cycle has gone like the clappers. So, perhaps we should call it a sprint to the line!

new toys...

We bought a new printer today. An HP Laserjet 1600 colour laser. Tidy little unit, too!

The plan is to create some business making invitations and cards and the like. As well as maybe short run presentation printing and some other sideline things we're bouncing around. The cost of the technology required continues to drop and drop. The 1600 we just bought was only $445! For a colour laser! And if I'd done my research a little better I'd have noticed the $100 cashback on the next model up, which would've made it the same price!

But here's the really absurd part. It came with half filled toner cartridges included. Given the retail price of the full article is about $120 and it takes four cartridges, my math says the included toner was a bit over half the value of the printer!

Anyway, the cards and invites are the main plan. C is a very creative young lady. This sort of thing is right up her alley. We spent an hour and a half at the Doggetts outlet store this morning, taking samples of pretty much one of everything! Next step is to start laying different colours down together and see what we can come up with!

Wish us luck!

ivf...

Things are progressing nicely for my wife and I with our latest shot at IVF success. You can see her blog for the details and earlier posts of mine for some background.

I don't really want to go in to too much detail. There are a couple of real life friends who read this and we haven't even told our families this time! Suffice to say we've cleared a couple of major hurdles in the last week or two and with a bit of luck we'll clear a couple more next week.

Its hard yakka, I'll tell you that much.

feeling like an idiot...

The last few days I've been feeling like a bit of an idiot. I'm making basic, dopey errors; I'm procrastinating on the most simple requests. They should be easy to complete but I'm drawing them out and making mountains out of the tiniest mole hills.

I've cocked up communication between my new brother in law and my sister about a possible fencing job. In order to cover my arse I've kind of lied to my sister. Its too long and boring a story to go into, but suffice to say I haven't really lied to her - the info she got is correct - but I've embellished the circumstances a bit.

Last night at work I made the kind of stupid, unnecessary mistake that I just don't make. Not a slip of the pen or anything. I utilised a function on the system that I knew nothing about and cocked things up royally.

To make matters worse, C has a new job. Well, of course thats good news in itself, but you see we've just gone back to IVF. So while I'm sitting here wasting time, my darling wife, who is about to undergo a painful drug regime, invasive tests and finally an operation in hospital is actually working longer hours and more physically demanding work than me.

I'm feeling lazy, stupid and very sorry for myself at the moment.

This is going to sound like changing the subject, but possibly its all tied in together. I don't know if its the root of the anxiety or not, but I've always been scared shitless of not being able to afford to support my family. Here we go again with the IVF and who knows, if it works this time we might be parents by November. Then where will we be?

My income alone is unlikely to be enough. Sure, there are tax benefits and so on, but still what if we can't afford stuff. Is C is going to go back to her backbreaking physical work while I cruise through in my cushy little 40 hour a week, entry level, somewhat poorly paying job?

I'm scared out of my mind.

The thing is, there is no need to be. I'm not without prospects. Together we have a broad range of skills and a couple of really good ideas, but getting off my arse and making them happen is proving rather problematic and I wish I knew why.

By the way, I'm not unaware of the irony of one in an essentially good place being so down on himself. It'll pass!

Anyway, I'm off to contemplate my navel some more.

Pop

My last surviving grandparent is my mother's dad. My Pop. He's 91 and these days calls a local high care aged care facility home.

Pop has been one of my best friends over the years and a genuinely positive role model in my life. Always encouraging. Always believing in my potential, even during those horror adolescent years when even I couldn't see it, let alone others.

Among other influences, his spruiking of the benefits of a military life were probably the reason I served in the Reserve as a younger man. Might've gone full time, too, if I hadn't developed Epilepsy. One year, while marching with my unit in the Anzac Day parade here in Melbourne, he and my sister were on the side of the road. I'd seen them from a distance, but once we got closer I couldn't turn my head to see them beside me, although we were only feet apart.

Pop made some comment like "looking good lads" or something similar. Despite my best efforts to keep a straight face, a slight curl at the side of my mouth gave me away. My sister said "he heard you!". To which he replied, "Of course he heard, sweetchick, they're not deaf!".

He taught me chess. I'll never forget his smart arse remarks whenever I'd try to watch tv and play at the same time. Of course, my concentration would be shot and he'd roll over the top of me!

Up until he was about 85 I really thought he'd be cracking the ton.* He was spritely, energetic and full of life. But that year, 2000, was the one that took the wind out of him. Over a twelve month period he lost his ability to walk without a frame, some cognitive function, his wife of 62 years and as a result of all that, naturally his confidence, too.

These days its pretty much a day by day proposition. I don't visit him as much as I'd like and it saddens me greatly. I used to be able to say I had no time which, notwithstanding that old "you can always make time" truism, was pretty much true. I was deeply engaged with an activity of which Pop was enormously proud. I got kudos for that and it kind of got me off the hook a bit. But that time has passed now. That activity is over and my work hours are now very civilised indeed, I must say!

There's something uncomfortable about visiting him. I'd like to think it's not just personal awkwardness at the environment he's in, or boredom at the lack of conversation. I'd like to think I'm a better grandson or, for that matter, a better person than that. But honestly I can't rule it out.

The thing that gets me, is that I think he notices the awkwardness, too. I believe he can see from the way I look at him, or talk to him, or whatever that he isn't the same Pop anymore. I think he feels hurt by that. And I think that's why I don't like going.

But what if I'm wrong? What if he can't see what I credit him with seeing and would he just love to see me, even without conversation. Or maybe he does feel the hurt but would still rather see me. I don't know what to do. I've spent enough time with him over the years that I won't have any regrets about these last few, but it still hurts. It's like dealing with the grief before the death.

*reach 100 years of age, in case that bit of jargon is not familiar to you :)